Godly Wisdom for the Hormone-Filled and Hopeful

My neighbor of over 20 years turned 91 today. I took her out to her favorite restaurant to celebrate.

During our conversation, I asked her, “If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?”

Jo thought awhile and said, “I would not have married my second husband.” She was young with a child when her first husband died in an accident. She remarried a few years later, and it reshaped her long life in unpleasant ways.

As a writer, I have interviewed hundreds of people, from US Christian leaders to ordinary people living in bleak Siberia. I like getting insights from regular people most of all, and Jo is not the first person I have asked about the one thing they would change in their life.

The reply I get is always the same. People want to turn back the clock and correct bad decisions about their romantic or marital life.

The Bible Perspective on Marital Do-Overs

Most Christians believe we are allowed one marriage, which is certainly the ideal. The Bible is not as clear on the topic as some believers are about it today.

Moses suggested that divorce was better than murdering your spouse (Deuteronomy 24:1-4).

Jesus is recorded as saying two things about it: it is flat-out unacceptable (Mark 10:2-9) and that it was okay if some sexual sin was involved (Matthew 5:32; Matthew 19:9).

The Apostle Paul suggested that a Christian could divorce an unbeliever (1 Corinthians 7:1-16), but he leaves the terms and conditions unclear.

Marital discord and divorce would not be controversial today if we had better guidance about picking the person who might become our spouse. This knowledge seems to come only by trial and error, which is not a wholesome Christian prospect.

Bad choices too often end in a life of misery for the unequally yoked. In the best circumstances, they can only call a truce by asking the Lord for marital equilibrium to avoid divorce. Yet, heaviness almost always remains and it smothers the joy.

How to Make Better Choices

Good martial choices are not made by accident. They require knowledge, prayer, wise counsel, and wisdom.

Sadly, those characteristics are consumed in the flames of hormone-induced passion. Reason gives way to emotion. Parents have reason, and they try to guide their adolescent (to age 21) children. However, the children are energized by the surging natural chemical compounds within them, and parents go unheeded.

The only real answer to the problem is training children from a young age on how to make better relationship decisions. This is not happening in schools, so it must happen in the home and church.

How can we train our children in smart love choices? How can we make divorce a non-issue? How can we make relationship regret vanish from the minds of the elderly? Here are some suggestions.

1. Prioritize Emotional Intelligence

One of the hallmarks of a successful relationship is emotional intelligence—the ability to understand and manage your own emotions and those of others.

That’s not something Christian families speak about around the dinner table, taught in Sunday School, or preached from the pulpit. Yet, we must speak up about this topic. Even pagans like Aristotle addressed the issue. He said, “Anybody can become angry — that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way— that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”

Proverbs 15 is filled with wisdom about emotional intelligence. One example: “Better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a fattened ox and hatred with it” (v. 17).

2. Set Happy Boundaries and Stick to Them

Setting boundaries is not just about saying “no”; it’s about saying “yes” to what really matters. Boundaries are the borders of your emotional, physical, and spiritual property. They define what is me and what is not me.

Proverbs 4:23 reminds us how important this is: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it>”

Be clear about what you are comfortable with regarding emotional investment, physical intimacy, and time commitment. Make these boundaries known early in the relationship to ensure mutual respect. Have spiritual and rational reasons for your decisions, not just emotional reasons.

Relationships are not just about romance or physical attraction but also about mutual understanding and empathy.

3. Learn Better Communication Skills

Genuine communication is about being honest without being brutal. It involves speaking the truth in love and also listening without judgment. This kind of communication is most effective when it is based on shared values and goals.

Sadly, most people think the key to good communication is what you say and how you say it. That’s not true. As George Bernard Shaw said, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

What is the key communication skill that is seldom taught? It is listening. We can build better relationships and reduce later regret when we learn to listen with an understanding that transcends our emotions.

The greatest skill we can teach our young people is listening and making rational decisions based on what the person said, not what they think they heard.

Life with No Regrets

When we look at love and relationships through the lens of Scripture, we’re reminded that God designed these connections to be beautiful reflections of His love for us. “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). The same goes for wives too.

But that assumes more than the physical maturity to mate; it also requires emotional and spiritual maturity. In the romantic horserace between reason and passion, reason must win by a nose when selecting a partner.

Navigating love and relationships isn’t easy, especially when young and filled with hormones. In those years, it’s easy to make decisions on a whim and regret them later, as our elders often remind us. We must help people think beyond the tingle they feel and help them gain life skills that honor the Lord.