Is There a Cure for the Epidemic of Loneliness?
It’s no fun to be alone. We often talk ourselves into believing we are better off alone, yet we still long for friendship.The prestigious Pew Research Center did a deep dive into the topic of friendship, and the results were startling.
An estimated 27 million Americans reported they had no close friends.
Another 25 million people reported they had only one close friend.
About 45 percent of those surveyed said they had between 2 and 4 close friends, compared to only 38 percent who claimed 5 or more close friends.
This poll reinforces what Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy said in his advisory on “Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community.” In it, he noted we are in the midst of an epidemic of social isolation and loneliness. In the advisory, he made the distinction between the two:
Social isolation and loneliness are related, but they are not the same. Social isolation is objectively having few social relationships, social roles, group memberships, and infrequent social interaction. On the other hand, loneliness is a subjective internal state. It’s the distressing experience that results from perceived isolation or unmet need between an individual’s preferred and actual experience.
All the research boils down to one central point, and that is that fewer people have friends. This is an existential problem: what is a friend, and how do we acquire some?
What is a Friend?
You know this old joke: “You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your relatives.” That goes to the heart of the matter in understanding friendship. It highlights individuals’ freedom in selecting their friends in contrast to being born into a family with relatives who may have differing views or personalities.
We select people as friends because we have some sort of connection. I’m not sure science has been able to define this connection. It is not like the love we might have for a spouse or our acquaintanceship with the many people we encounter. Friendship is something in between.
It is a harmonious bond rooted in shared interests, experiences, and values. In its best form, it develops into a genuine care for one another’s well-being. Most importantly, it is a relationship that people enter into voluntarily. We choose our friends.
Friends are willing to offer trust and support to each other.
It may seem improbable, but famed theoretical physics Albert Einstein and radioactivity researcher Marie Curie had a wonderful friendship. They shared a passion for scientific curiosity and had mutual respect for each other. Their correspondence shows a rich exchange of ideas and mutual encouragement in their scientific pursuits. Later, Einstein defended Curie during a scandal that erupted after the disclosure that she had an affair with a married former student. Friends stick together, even in difficult times.
Those with friends do not give much thought to how they acquired them. The friendships just evolved. Yet, the process is a mystery for those with few friends. Here are a few clues to solve it.
The Dynamics of Friend-Making
One fact is crystal clear: You cannot make friends if you don’t reach out to others. Many people fear rejection, primarily based on past experiences, so they don’t even try to make a connection with others. Therefore, before you can make friends, you first deal with the barriers that hinder you.
Understand Rejection
We all take rejection personally. That’s human nature. The reason for that is our mental dissonance. We have an image in our minds about how our encounter will unfold, and when it doesn’t, we feel the sting of rejection. Our expectations collide with reality.
Rejection happens for many reasons that need not crush your ego. Very often, it comes because of bad circumstances or timing. The funeral is not the place to ask the widow for a date. Often, a rebuff would not occur in a different time or place, so you want to try again under more favorable conditions.
Sometimes, rejection comes because there is a personality mismatch. Not all people hit it off with each other. Sometimes, it comes because two people may agree on many topics, but one subject is so important that it becomes a deal breaker. If this is the source of rejection, it is cause for celebration, not feelings of rejection. In these circumstances, any bond of friendship would be tenuous and an unwise investment of your emotions and time.
If you go on a safari to bag some friends, you must reframe your expectations. Not every shot will hit your intended target. Reframe your expectations. Every experience, whether positive or negative, contributes to personal growth. If you cannot make a friend, don’t say, “Woe is me.” Instead, stand up and shout, “Next!”
Positive Steps to Friend-Making
Once you have your mindset under control, you’re ready to go out and meet new people. They do not come to your door, and you do not find them on Facebook. Yes, people do meet up on dating sites, but that can be risky business.
I’m going to suggest three traditional ways to find and cultivate friendships. You will have to leave your cocoon, but each could be a life-changing event for you.
- Take a class. I have lifelong friends I met in fourth grade. We shared the same interests then, and they grew over the decades. You can start the process today by taking a Community College class. The seed of friendship exists because the people there share the same interest in the class subject. You can build on that.
- Volunteer for a local cause. This has a two-pronged benefit. You can help the cause, and you are sure to find friends who share the same social, religious, or political vision you have. Christians have the benefit of finding a place of service within their local church.
- Talk to your neighbors. This may seem like a no-brainer, but statistics reveal that only 26 percent of people polled by Pew Research say they know most of their neighbors. When you start talking with your neighbors, you’ll find you have a lot in common in most instances, and lifelong friendships can begin to bloom.
What do friends talk about? It differs by gender. According to the Pew friendship survey, most women build friendships based on conversations about family, physical health, work, and pop culture. Most men talk about work, sports, and current events with their friends.
It’s Time to Reach Out
This approach to friendship and overcoming challenges requires a balanced mix of openness, understanding, and resilience. Each step, whether it leads to a blossoming friendship or a lesson learned, contributes to personal growth and a deeper understanding of human interactions.
Only two barriers stand against you and your ability to have deep, meaningful friendships. The first is your attitude. Suppress your fears and change your expectations; doors of opportunity will open for you.
The second barrier is the door of your house. Open it, and find the people you want to know. That is a big step for some, but that is when the friendship adventure begins.
Sources cited:
Unless otherwise noted, Bible quotations are from the English Standard Version (ESV).
Pew Research | Friendship
The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory
Pew Research | Neighbors
