The Christian Path to Family Peace.
Conflict is an unavoidable part of human relationships, even among Christians.
According to a study by Christian researchers, the Barna Group, about 40% of Christians admit to having significant relational conflict, often with those closest to them. This fact shatters the myth that being a Christian equals perpetual harmony. Instead, it reveals our ongoing struggle with sin and the need for constant grace and forgiveness in our relationships, especially within the family.
Since conflict is inevitable, what practical steps can we take to reconcile with the people we love? Let’s look at the root causes first, then steps we can take with our spouse and children to become peacemakers.
The Big Picture
What human dynamics generate conflict, and how can we manage them to maintain family peace? Here are the big three.
The Role of Pride
Pride often lies at the heart of conflicts. C.S. Lewis once observed, “Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind.” This insight is crucial for Christians seeking reconciliation.
We see the role of pride in our society and how divisive it is. It is the root of political factions. Even social movements emphasize certain “Pride” observances. Yet, an attitude of pride is never the way to peace, either in society or in personal relationships. Humility is the path to peace and understanding.
Humility, then, becomes a powerful tool in resolving conflicts. It involves acknowledging our faults and the limitations of our understanding. Ephesians 4:2–3 tells us how to behave: “With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” This underscores the importance of humility in maintaining unity and peace.
Implementing the Power of Forgiveness
Humility is the fast track to forgiveness. When we put aside our pride, we can dispense with hurt feelings and get insight into a particular conflict we face.
Forgiveness is a cornerstone of moving ahead and addressing a specific conflict. Resolution is only possible once at least one person has exercised forgiveness toward the other person. It is perfected when people forgive each other.
Christ forgave us, so our mandate is to forgive others (Ephesians 4:32). Also, Colossians 3:12–14 encourages believers to “bear with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” These passages are powerful divine directives about the importance of forgiveness in healing relationships.
Resentment and anger can hinder forgiveness. Recognizing that forgiveness is a process, not just a one-time act, is crucial. It may require time and prayer to work through these feelings. Start by acknowledging your hurt and the need to forgive. Pray for the strength to forgive and the well-being of the one who hurt you.
Forgiveness is not about condoning wrong actions but freeing your heart from bitterness. Sometimes, it is best to forget the tangled history of a conflict and decide to forgive by an act of our will. In doing that, we mimic God’s will.
The Need for Effective Communication
Good communication is vital in resolving conflicts. In fact, it may be the most critical element in restoring peace. It involves not only how we speak but also how we listen. James 1:19 reminds us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
To improve communication, practice active listening, which involves fully concentrating, understanding, responding, and remembering what is being said. This builds trust and empathy, paving the way for effective conflict resolution. I have offered techniques for listening in this article.
Setting aside time for uninterrupted conversation, free from distractions, is always good. Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming others. Be open to feedback and willing to apologize sincerely when necessary.
Reconciliation Steps for Spouses and Children
You now see the big picture and how you should respond to others. You have insight into why you react in anger and what you can do to change attitudes to quell these feelings. But how can you use those principles with specific family relationships? One method does not fit all cases. Here are some insights to get you started on the path to reconciliation.
Between Spouses
Christian couples should have a three-pronged approach to conflict resolution. It implies that couples realize that conflict will come, and they have a way to address it before it becomes destructive.
Take preventive measures. Conflict is less likely when a couple engages in spiritual practices like prayer and Bible study. These practices create a common ground of understanding, which is the “quality time” busy couples seek. Reconciliation is easier when a man and a woman are reconciled to Christ.
Address issues as they arise. Too often, a person is hurt by their spouse, but they don’t mention it at the time. They pretend the hurt will go away, but it generally festers. Resentment builds, and then there is an explosive confrontation. There is no need for that when a couple agrees in advance that they will not let problems simmer and will open the lines of communication when one feels the need to do so.
Is it okay to think about the problem and its possible solutions first? Yes. The Apostle Paul offers a great human relations principle in Ephesians. 4:26–27. He says, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.” Reflect on your feelings, but seek healing the same day.
Don’t fear formal counseling. I studied therapeutic Christian counseling in seminary and later had a counseling practice supported by a consortium of churches in Phoenix, Arizona. I learned that couples with good communication skills usually did not need counseling. However, if they do not have them and drift away from each other, then formal counseling can help.
Couples must be wise in selecting a counselor. They should rarely seek marriage counseling from a pastor; they understand the theology of marriage but seldom the human dynamics involved. Most take sides, and that kills opportunities for reconciliation. Likewise, Christian couples should avoid secular therapists. Find a licensed professional who shares your Christian values.
With Children
Will your home be conflict-free? No. Conflict is part of our original sinful nature. As a result, conflict is the default parameter for children. And as we know, some people never mature beyond it, either by training or spiritual transformation in Christ. You can take steps, however, to engender family peace.
Model a spirit of forgiveness and reconciliation. Nothing impacts children more than seeing their parents resolve their disagreements without emotional pyrotechnics. Children will follow their parent’s pattern of behavior.
Have age-appropriate discussions. When conflicts between parent and child, siblings, and friends arise (and they will!), the best thing to do is have a discussion. One of my favorite ways of doing this is retelling this old Native American tale.
An old Cherokee chief sat with his grandson and began to share his wisdom. “My son,” he said, “there is a constant battle inside our hearts. It’s a battle between two wolves.”
“One wolf is the wolf of darkness. This wolf represents anger, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. He is the wolf who tries to make us feel bad about ourselves and others.”
“The other wolf is the wolf of light,” he explained. “This wolf represents joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. He is the wolf who tries to make us feel good about ourselves and others.”
The young boy looked at his grandfather and asked, “Which wolf wins?”
The old chief smiled. “The one we feed. If we feed the wolf of darkness, he will grow stronger. But if we feed the wolf of light, he will grow stronger. It’s up to us to decide which wolf we want to have control of our lives.”
Children understand that kind of communication.
Purposely teach children how they can resolve conflict. Children feel the negative emotions of pride, anger, and wanting their way. But they are clueless about what the emotions are and what causes them. Parents must discuss the range of emotions children feel as they experience them. They must also explain to children how to manage them.
Think about how you can adapt these principles to limit and resolve conflict with siblings, elderly parents, and those in the workplace and the church. The same dynamics are in play, but each case and person needs a personalized approach. It may be difficult, but the Lord offers a special blessing for peacemakers (Matthew 5:9).
The Way Forward
Embracing humility, enhancing communication, and practicing forgiveness are vital to reconciliation in family relationships. Christians are called to mirror Christ’s love and grace in our interactions, even amidst conflict. Here are three actions to implement this teaching:
- Engage in self-reflection. Regularly examine your heart and actions. Ask God to reveal areas where you must grow in humility and forgiveness.
- Commit to open, honest communication. Make a conscious effort to listen more and speak with kindness and honesty. Regular family meetings can be a practical way to cultivate this habit.
- Proactively practice forgiveness. Understand that forgiveness is a journey. It starts with knowing that Christ has forgiven you, and you are free to forgive yourself. Then, begin forgiving minor grievances and gradually work towards forgiving deeper hurts.
By following these steps, we can build stronger, more loving relationships that reflect the grace and love of Christ in our lives.
Sources cited:
Unless otherwise noted, Bible quotations are from the English Standard Version (ESV).
