How to Blend Friendship and Authority in Christian Parenting
I took my 90-year-old neighbor on a 100-mile journey to see her dying son. They had not spoken in nearly 30 years, but he was in a hospice dying of cancer and had agreed to see her.
There was some joy in their final farewell, but the cloud of animosity remained; they spoke to each other as mother and son, not as people with that unique bond we call friendship. The vestige of the authority of a mother-son relationship endured, but beyond that, their relationship was a barren desert.
This caused me to think about why parents, especially Christian parents, cannot have a different kind of relationship with their children. One based on friendship, yet that still recognized the importance of parental authority. I pondered that question and offer these insights.
Rethink Your Parenting Strategy
There is a way of thinking, and it may be true, that the first child suffers from strictness because parents want to ensure they are doing everything right. Parents tend to be more relaxed with the second child, allowing that child far more freedom. The third child ends up being the unsupervised wild one.
Accurate or not, this reminds us that new parents are filled with fears and often overreact to the vicissitudes of child-rearing. No license or training is required to have and raise a child; the only skills most have is what they learned from their often imperfect parents. Bad parenting travels through families like electricity through a wire.
That’s why Christian parents must rethink their strategy. If they had good parental role models, that would be a plus. But if they did not, they must rethink the errors of the way they were raised and modify them in a way that honors Jesus Christ.
This does not mean Christian parents should act in reactionary ways. It means they should think and pray deeply and seek Godly balance.
Part of that is retaining God-given authority (Ephesians 6:4) as a parent. Yet, it also includes having a genial relationship with their children. Parents must be a super-friend to their children. And the best bonds of friendship exist when Christ is at the center of it.
So, rethink the relationship you want to have with your children. Will it be based on fear, authority, and the control that comes with it? Or will it be based on having a companionable relationship?
Prioritize Quality Time
Benjamin Franklin said, “Lost time is never found again.” That fact becomes a painful reality to most parents after their children are grown and gone. Parents are so busy putting a roof over the head of their family and food on the table that they are often blind to the value of each moment. Ten years seems like a long time into the future. Yet, looking back, ten years is just a flicker. It is a flat line on a graph if not filled with happy memories we create with our children.
The concept of “quality time” bothers me. It is a hackneyed term, but it deserves some thought. We spend time with our children because we share a home with them and are involved in their schools and extracurricular activities. But just because we share the same time and space with them does not mean we make a deeper connection with them.
So-called “quality time” is about pausing and giving undivided attention to a child while engaging in meaningful activities and conversations. That means turning off your phone and other distractions and being present in the moment.
Spending quality time together is crucial. Engage in activities that both you and your children enjoy. This strengthens the bond and follows the biblical exhortation to “rejoice with your family” (Ecclesiastes 9:9), illustrating that joy and companionship can coexist with parental authority.
Foster Open Communication
As I have mentioned, good communication is the key to having a good relationship with your child. Too often, even good parents get into the bad habit of shouting at their children. It works, but not well, and not for long, as a child grows. Shouting is one-way authoritative communication and ultimately creates animosity between parent and child. God was able to get his point across using a “still, small voice” (1 Kings 19:12), and there is wisdom in that for all parents.
Encourage an environment where children feel comfortable sharing their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. This approach aligns with the biblical principle of listening and understanding before responding (Proverbs 18:13). By being an active listener, parents can be friends with their children without compromising their role as guides and authority figures.
Involve Children in Decision Making
Children learn to make good decisions by making bad ones. We strengthen their character and bond with them on a deeper when we allow them to make decisions.
We must remind them that making good decisions is a cornerstone of a happy life. That they have free will to make them. That they must live with the consequences of their decisions. Also, children learn to seek and listen to wise counsel.
While maintaining the final say, involve children in family decisions to give them a sense of responsibility and respect. This approach mirrors the biblical principle of wise counsel and shared wisdom (Proverbs 15:22), fostering a friendly relationship built on mutual respect.
Encourage Independence within Boundaries
Today, parents fall into one of two categories. They are either “helicopter” parents, always in orbit around their child, notoriously intervening even in small matters. Or parents subscribe to the “free-range” theory. They provide the space for a child to grow and learn.
I was a free-range child, and I thank God and my parents for that. People who believe in God know that risk is part of life, and we trust that all will be well. We want well-round, gregarious children, and smothering them with excessive control has a stunting effect. We develop a stronger bond with our children when we trust them.
Sure, we must set clear boundaries and expectations. Still, we must also encourage children to think and act independently within those limits. This method respects their growing individuality and decision-making skills, echoing the biblical principle of training up a child in the way he should go (Proverbs 22:6).
Be the Person You Want Your Child to Be
How can we sum this up? Simply put, you need to be the person you want your child to be as they grow.
Demonstrate the values you want to instill in your children. This includes showing kindness, patience, forgiveness, and integrity, reflecting the scriptural call to “set an example… in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity” (1 Timothy 4:12). Children are more likely to respect and emulate parents who practice what they preach.
Importantly, embody the Christian principle of forgiveness (Ephesians 4:32). When children make mistakes, approach the situation with a blend of correction and grace, which helps maintain authority while strengthening the friendship through understanding and love. This is how you can be a lifelong super-friend with your beloved children.
Sources cited: Unless otherwise noted, Bible quotations are from the English Standard Version (ESV).
